Soul Searching........ and I found HIpHOP

So I havent been on my blog in a while, not coz I dont have time( lol got plenti of that for a change) but because I have been doing some soul searching. Having all this time on my hands got me thinking about alot of things. Before it was always about my future and now that things haven't gone as planned I've had time to reflect on myself, past current and future. And thats prity much a sub headings for this entry!(lame) LOL

Past:

My past where do I begin? I ask myself. I try to think back to come to understanding of how I came to where I am today. Geez as a youngster ( lol how old school its that word), I was one of those kids who just wanted to be cool, hanged with the cool kids and what not. Though I've always had a moral ground. I neva did anything too stupid! Anyway I loved Hip Hop straight off the back. The funny thing is I went to a lil private school where the majority of students listened to rock, punk( which i did my fair share of, cmon I wanted to be cool). For me it was the culture of Hip Hop that fascinated me the most, the rapping was cool but lets keep it real I didnt really understand much of it then, the beats spoke more to my soul and rhythm more than the lyrics. At one stage I was even hectically into graffiti and convinced myself I would become a graffiti artist( I secretly still do ), buuuuuut I sucked! I grew up looking up to artists like....Wheelz, Falko, Faith. Those people made me view art and music and life from a completely different perspective, I still got mad respect for them! Anyway long fucken story short, I just loved art, fashion, music, film. But it was more than a love for it. Being so young it was my passion it drove me to wanting to achieve more in life. The reason for choosing a creative path in my studies.

Current:

Thank the lord I was an inquisitive child, otherwise I wouldn't have the life I have now. So I haven't really achieved ALL the things I was suppose to according to my 14yr old self. Ha ha! Anyway Im in a weird stage/phase in my life. Like my mom says  "Your generation have the all opportunities, if I was still 20 I would be doing all the crazy things" *rollling my eyes* .....of course you would mom your're just one crazy gal (sarcasm). LOL but on a serious note there is some truth in what she says. Yeah we have all the opportunities, this is true if you are motivated you can become anything you want. Unlike back in the day when gender, race and class inequality stood in the way. If I wana be a graffiti artist I can be it, heck if u wana be a singer I can( I mean if Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can sing then im sure we all can) HA ha. I can be anything my heart desires. The thing is I'm still that kid, I  just wana be EveryTHANG a Stylist, Make up artist, DJ, Artist, Music Video director,Model, Tv show host, Tv Presenter, Film Director, Race car driver, Fashion Designer, Photographer, Social worker. LOL and I'm dead serious. I am either one freaky control freak coz it seems all the shit I wana do it because I wana do it rather than somebody else. Lucky for me all of these aspirations have a common theme, creativity. So its not actually impossible, nothing is really. "The only way to find the limits of the possible is to go beyond them" 

Future:

So this is what it all comes down to. I don't know if I share this same experience with you peeps but if I don't..... I'm really stupid. LMAO Scenario: You meet someone(usually someone one older), and they either talking about politics and you like "uhmmmm yeah bout that Obama, Ima vote for him( when elections are over)" LOL, you will say something retarded because you actually dont know shit bout politics to have a decent conversation. Now the same can apply to anything else really. That feeling when you realize you dont know enough but you wish you did. By speaking to these people you get inspired to learn more, as u want to conversate and give your intellectual opinion. Its not like you stupid or anything you just not as in tuned with politics as they are.

Well in a nutshell thats where Im at. I believe in broadening my knowledge, I dont want a day to go past where I dont learn something new. One is never to old to learn, it actually keeps you young. My approach  to broadening my knowledge is some what different, starting with.......  what do I like? Music, fashion, TV ect, I want to achieve all the things, and be knowledgeable I don't wana look back and be like 'uuuh what have I done in my life?'.... Fokol.... and write some stupid ass bucket list for my old ass! Nah I want to be knowledgeable, I want people to look up to me the way I did with my people that inspire me. Most importantly I want to share my knowledge with the generation to come and show them the many possibilities. But I dont just wana be knowledgeable on politics or some other boring shit, but things that interest me. My passions.... HIp hop, I want to know the origin, the real meaning of Hip Hop and what it means to me now. And ditto for Tv, fashion, film, theatre, TV. I want my passions to make me and intellect that defines the person that I am. And the way i want to achieve this is through self - education. This is a wonderful thing, I don't need to waste money on taking a course or bugging someone to teach me. Ambition is what it comes down to if I really want to be more knowledgeable I need to put myself out there, by educating myself. Technology has made self education so easy, its there u just have to use it. One has no excuse if you don't know shit. Take that initiative, its rewarding!!!

Hip Hop has always been apart of my life, its one of those things I have always managed to define myself as. Yet I didn't really know as much as I should. It then lead me to doing something about it, I'm learning everyday something  new and it has mad me a better me. And no matter how old i get i will always keep it fresh, coz there is no limit to learning. Hip Hop......Thank you! Let this journey never end.

YOu should be stronger than me

AH, guess you guys saw this coming, the love post. It aint a blog unless i view my opinion on Lurv.
As my love life is some what non existent...and I have reasons for this:


You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man,
Not pal in comparison to who you think I am,

You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!
Cause' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy!!!!
                                                     By Amy Winehouse - My inspiration for this post!!!
Ok let me just get this staright and out of the way, I will be generalizing men and women, and I am aware that when I say something negative about men, I realize that not all men are the same, perhaps its jus the ones i hang out with. Hey..... I'm just keepin it real.

mmmmmmmmm mmmmh

Yet here I am living the single life( by choice or so I tell myself). Ha ha. I am loving it though, yet there are times i consider relationship. Now Im the type of girl that invest in people, the reason i have so little friends. I value the beauty of a relationship, being platonic or romantic. I am at this point in my life, where I' ve seen it all and heard it all and its now ME time. Ok when I mean Ive seen it all blah blah, I mean men nowadays dont value or respect women. And let me just say, I've met plenty of men who say they respect woman but in reality they don't. They will say anything to get into ur pants or even convince themselves that they respect you in that moment but let the moment pass and so does the respect. LOL the other day I read in a rape reading in which some excused the reason for rape, it read" The only thing you need to worry about it, is the erectile power of the penis and not the rational power of the mind" WTF. I wont elaborate find explanatory. My favourite line is that men now adays loooove 'Independent Woman'. HA! That is such bullshit. They love the IDEA of a woman who do not dependent on them. Me being an independent woman and speaking from experience, they can not handle us. Because being an independent woman means we dont need your money or your fly ride, Why? coz we got our own.....but wait, this also doesn't mean that I have to pay for everything and pick ur ass up when we go on a date at the venue that I had to choose. Damn! I am tired of being mothers to men. Ya'll say you can handle it, but when it comes down to the real deal, your manliness gets played down and all of a sudden we the controlling, clingy, nagging bitch. Look if you say a want an independent woman, you gotta step your game up! Coz we wont be waiting for you to save our asses coz nigga we aint no damsel in distress, We got this!!!!

We live in a modern society where a guy doesnt have to call a girl first or a girl can propose to a guy and buy him a drink. This all sounds great and fair but not many people understand the amount equality that it requires. As women we desire/need a form of attention ( but then again u do get them attention seeking bitches, which are on another level), and though we can play it cool/sweet when we approach a man and ask him for a drink we subconsciously expect the not only the same in return but more. We still want to feel desired some way or another. Yet in this modern world, I am an old fashion girl. I believe in morals and men chasing after women, men paying for dinner and men respecting woman by having a gentleman approach towards ladies.
In the movie 'The Women' the one lady says ' I am the man I wanted to marry." For me this holds alot of truth, i feel that men have taken back the seat and let woman take the lead. Personally ( as a feminist) I think its great but when it comes to love and relationships no one should take the back seat male or female, men and women respect each other. Though this would be an idealist approach it is a bases for a healthy relationship. And do notice how I said healthy and not perfect relationship because we all know there aint no such thing.

Two of favorite African American Actors 

Anyway, I listened to one of my favourite tracks now, Alicia Keys 'Unthinkable'. It was this song that reminded me of the beauty of being in love. And the power of it, despite all the 'bullshit' that I like to call it, somehow it made me want to fall in love again. But this time I want it to be as beautiful as I picture it in my head( knowing that this unrealistic). I hope that it is even better because that is what real love is, its a feeling, a vision you never envisioned but realized its something that you never could because it is beautiful on its own. I know I said nothing is perfect but that feeling of being completely in love is.... perfection! And though I'm going through a phase, Im just another lost soul out there exploring one of the many things in life that is unexplanatory. The thing is I can bitch about love, or I could  be a stern naive believer either way LOVE is not something you choose, it comes to you naturally. So deep down under my black little heart is a place that is patiently waiting for that feeling/soulmate!

Thought this pic twas soo cute! Old couple bein inlove still....precious

Unemployment….the life of an actor

Today is just one of those days where I'm feeling rather bleak. This is the first time I've been unemployed for such a long time. It not like me at all i consider my self go-getter and believe in hard work in order to succeed. As of late I've been somewhat unmotivated. Life aint all that sometimes. Especially when you realize you NOT living in the fab lane. We've all had big plans and ideas about when we done with school and later varsity. We all assume that we will get work as soon as we graduate (Not a realistic assumption). But nooooo I choose the degree where you walk out with a degree and have to make something out of nothing. Now don't get me wrong, with every degree you don't walk out the next day and have a job. In reality if you study to become a doctor or an accountant or even a lawyer you become a lawyer, doctor or an accountant. Whereas I studied film theory and drama. I can walk out and say I'm an actor but I don't have any legitimate experience. I cant take that and demand a high pay job. Uhmm NO that aint going to happen. So here I am unemployed and the problem is, over time I've become unmotivated. Everyday im hustling( like Katt Williams) and I am not winning. The term 'couch potatoe' for me, was for people who didn't care about themselves and enjoyed sponging off their parents, lazy people, to be honest I looked down upon them. And look at me I'm in the exact situation, well I don't enjoying sponging of my parents or sitting on the couch everyday. I hate that I'm 22(And I aint getting younger) and still dependant on my folks. People often have the same negative perception unemployment, but being unemployed is an emotional rollercoaster. Finding a job these days is not easy, especially if you have devoted your time towards your studies which means you have no time to gain experience in the industry( which is what employers want). It's a reality shock when you are unemployed and know that you have dreams that you want to fulfill but no one is giving you the opportunity to progress. Im not blaming anyone because its no ones fault, its just life and and times like these its hard not fall into the slump and be unmotivated. And what's even harder is the coming out.

The life of an actor revolves around what scripts is in production and what people are looking for, if there is not a high demand for a short African looking young girl, then so sorry for me, it's late. It's out of my control. Again I make reference to Hollywood. Sometimes we ask oh what happened to Charlize Theron, haven't seen anything with her in. Often actors say they taking a break when in reality they are not in demand and it could be the year of young actors. That is an entire year without pay, hustling to get work so you can make some money to pay your rent and what what. In this time of unemployment it's difficult to sit at home or be on 'vacation ' and not feel bad that you not doing more with your life. Yeah its cool to say, I'm an ACTOR….. but if you haven't been in anything worthwhile for people to recognize, well then you are just unemployed. The instability of an actor and the media industry in general can be summed up in..  and I quote the Project Runway host Mrs Heidi Klum… 'One day you in the next day your OUT' .And  for an actor you could be out for a long ass time and just one day if you lucky reappear to the scene like Doctor MC Dreamy aka Patrick Demsey and  be again.( hence the emotional rollacoaster i mentioned earlier) But we don't realize what he had to go through emotionally during that time.



I then think about my parents and in the past generation, by the time you are 21
you are out the house( hence the giving of the key at 21sts) and most cases either preggies or have kids. This wasn't uncommon then. I always thought that by the time I was 21 I'd have my own apartment( me paying for it of course) fly ass car, be an independent super stylish woman( suit up, laptop having brunch at some fancy coffee shop- coz i can) and no kids. So far the no kids is still something I don't desire just yet. But the point is that I live with my parents and am still finically dependable on them. I'm trying my best looking for work but I will be a fresh outa college girl with no experience. Yeah I wont be getting a 80 grand check for my first job. Reality is… for me to live the lifestyle I dream and desire Ima need to make a whole lota of money to live by myself. I don't just mean the luxury costs im talking about car emergencies, medical, taxes ect. damn the real world is hard, people don't play when they say that. Being in the position that I am currently in sometimes it's hard to pick yourself up every day after being rejected. Especially lately, I've been to a couple of castings and haven't been casted for one. I am truly bummed and its such a slap in the face, even feel like a failure at times. One might think I am insecure but its not that, I dedicated three years of my studies to become an actor and when I'm not casted for one it's hard to not take it personally. You see the casting process is a bit of a bitch, you go in do your thang and unlike in school, you don't get crit afterwards for what you doing wrong( if anything) or how you could improve. You just get thrown in the deep end and pray that you have what it takes. I often walk out there thinking I gave my all and like yeah I nailed it. After that I don't get casted, my first thought is 'perhaps I'm not wat they looking for' and move on, but then I think further... maybe if I was more energetic or better dressed, lighter, darker or thinner I would of had it in the bag. This is not the correct way to go about casting but it is personal for me because it is my life, this is the life I've chosen. In order to succeed I believe that I will never stop learning. So I would like to know if I'm doing anything wrong or what they didn't like so that I know ok cool I needa work on that. Now this will never happen, because we don't live in an ideal world and I just have to suck it up and be a big girl and just stay strong. As they say IF IT DONT KILL YOU IT MAKES YOU STRONGER, and i aint dead bitches. You gotta start somewhere and life is but a journey and though I question it I am internally grateful for the life I have.

x

SO I'm a beeeg Amy Winehouse fan

........And this is why :

It begins to tell round midnight, round midnight

I do pretty well, till after sundown

Supper time I'm felling sad

But it really gets bad round midnight

Memories always start round midnight, midnight

Haven't got the heart to stand those memories

When my heart is still with you

And old midnight knows it too

When some quarrel we've had needs mending

does it mean that our love is ending?

Darlin, I need you, lately I find 

You're out of my heart and I'm out of my mind

Let our hearts take wing round midnight, round midnight

Let the angels sing for your returning

Till our love is safe and sound

When old midnight comes around 

When some quarrel we've had needs mending

Does it mean our love is ending?

Darlin I need you, lately I find

You're out of my heart and I'm out of my mind

Till out love is safe and sound

When old midnight comes around

x


This is where my head is and would you look at the time....
I'm out

Deuces
x

ME and my two step

So recently watched Step up 3D, and besides the terrible acting and awful narrative I rather enjoyed it, the dancing that is. The dancing was on point! Man my heart was alive yet again. Where do I begin with my love for dance, Well i danced when I was younger i did modern dance or contemporary dance (as they call it now a days) and then did some hip hop. Wasnt as hard hitting as I desired but dance is more than that for me. Every blady time when I watch a dance movie, I immedialty want to sign up to a dance class and fufill my dancing dreams( like Richard Gere in Shall we Dance). Am I just a sucker for these films or is deeper than that? I mean look at Dirty Dancing, who to this day does not want to be elevated by some sexy man( then sexy). Even Stomp the Yard, Center Stage or Save the last Dance..... I fall for it every time, I even convinced myself  that I will join a class and start dancing immediately. As a film student I am aware that it is ONLY A MOVIE!! ha ha,

The late Patrick Swayze doing what he does best!

There is nothing more fulfilling than putting some music on and just freestyle, or making up you own routine. The music just flows through your body and takes control. Who needs drugs when you can get high from dancing!( wow that is such a corny line). Sometimes I wish i never gave up dancing, well training that is. I really miss it, even seeing pictures of exotic dance moves, grates me because I know if I pursued I would be able to it, well the technicalities of dance.
In the Step up 3D they ask 'What does dance mean to you?' For me it means Freedom, its the only time I actually let go and be me. Any emotional expression I have and cant express for what ever reason, dancing my feelings out does the trick. I always dreamt of becoming a choreographer, doing mostly hard hitting hip hop with the occasional slow dance, aka R&B contemporary vibes.( ok and I secretly still want to be a choreographer). As much as I love me some hip hop, sometimes you gotta turn it down a notch and groove into your zone. The ultimate plan was to make my own music videos in which I direct and choreograph the music videos( super cool i no). Now back to reality, there is no 'music video course' in which I can do for year and get degree in music video production, and join a company the next day and be rewared with a job where I am the director to Ciara music videos. Noooooooo it does not work like that. And thats the thing about this industry it is sooo broad( which is not a bad thing) one day I can be an commercial producer the next day a Music video director. Its crazy but thats how versatile you have to be if you want to make it big. I often sit and ask mysellf , Where do my talents lie???.............

B'girls- Mad respect, Contemporary, Ballet......Beauty!

Yeah so Im still working on that answer.










Ok so like I love checking out dancing videos on youtube, but all the great ones are American based. My argument is that South African Hip hop dance is just not as hard hitting, don't get me wrong there is couple( and I mean few) crews out there that dance good, but they just dont hit as hard as the people in the states. I feel that dance doesnt get taken seriously enough in South Africa. The fire is just not there. I just want to break it down!!! Mann I needa get my own studio, where I can just go and do my thang. Ah well coincidently that will only happen if I'm famous( long shot)
 Anyway....
Dance will always be apart of my life even when I'm occupied by other things.

One of my favourite choreographers - MIKE PEELE I want to dance like this man!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79GgKqk6fzY

AND leave the best for last...................... SOME INSPIRATION:
CIARA RIDE music video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U4ecNuaUvE&feature=fvst

YEs PLease.....

Anime! 

I have one similar, best buy! Can never go wrong with black

Metallic Rainbow!!! :)

Well HElloooo Kitty

*This is just too ill*

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

Gold Nikes... WOmen edition! 

MY love for kicks!!! I look at these and wonder why I bother with my 9inch heels. 

Anougat.....

... My Nick name, Becoz I have a really bad sweet tooth!!!

The Reason why I ll Neva be thin: 

And I quote by the great Marie Antoinette  " LET THEM EAT CAKE!!"

Kirsten Dunst as Marie Antoinette 

My favorite past time!!

Beauty is in the eye of the Industry

Well what can I say it’s that time again where its season time in the South Africa film and commercial industry. What does this mean for me?  It’s time for me to diet my self into a coma/size 0 and grow about 2 feet.  Ha ha, though I joke about this, this is reality I face on a daily basis tryna break into the industry.  It’s a constant struggle to compete with 6 foot skinny tall ass models, we all know the camera puts on ten pounds( well that is not entirely untrue) and for these models they look great on camera. My  5 foot slightly standard physique doesn’t not travel very far on the camera, even if they do zoom out. Ha ha. Now as insecure as I might sound, comparison is not the way I choose to define myself. Yet in this industry that's  what it's all about. Just recently I was booked for a casting for a Woolworths ad, in the description it stated that they looking for fresh faces( shotgun), and then carried on to state that they should have fit bodies and cast in bikinis(fail). As much as I would have loved to attend the casting, from experience, I had been to many such castings and knew that I was not suitable for the description. In order be suitable I had to be at least 6foot and skinny, because that is in actual fact what they looking for. I aint no model. Now my body is not terrible I happen to have an average body type but average don’t work in these adverts. I mean when last did you  see an average shapped girl in a bikini ad for Woolworths? Yep that’s what I thought never. And its shame because I aint that skinny( nor do I desire to be)  but it does play a role in my self confidence. How could it not?And if i attened this casting i would of put myself in an akward position where i would doubt my capablities, when all I want is some air time on the tv to be regconised for the talents that i do have. Yeah I wana be famous and I believe I have the talent, yet  the only opportunities I get are those that are out of my reach, unless I conform to the idea of beauty set by the industry. SO unless I wana be the 'fat girl' on Tv or movies, I gotta get my ass into shape so that my talent gets recognized. Even if one looks at Celebrties who are talented and have average bodies that we have all come accept and love. They have scaled down their bodies to becoming the ever so popular "skinny Hollywood girls". Example: of this is one of the most talnted girls, Lea Michele from GLee, I thought she had an amazing body in Glee but recently I saw a post of were she lost alot of weight.

  Lea Michele( After)

Lea Michele(Before)

Though they can pat themselves on their backs for achieving the weight loss they still get criticized in the tabloids for losing weight ie. Is she Too skinny? Is she on Drugs?  They question her reason for losing weight.  Why? Her agent probably advised her to loose weight if she desires other roles that does not consider her to be ‘the fat girl’. And in all honestly her agent is probably not wrong. I then look at my situation and wonder what i have to in order to be successful in Hollywood. So the question is how badly do I want my dream?.............. Answer:  I could live with Anorexia.

New me, my road to discovery

Today I decided to start my own blog( Finally). The reason being is that I felt I had a story to tell but no to really tell it to.
Ok lets see let me do a brief intro of myself...
I am Cape Townian, young (21yrs, I am still living with the rentals( my parents) and right about now I am living life. I am currently finishing off my third year degree this year(4th) with one elective course, and hopefully by the end of this year I will be a BA Film Theory and Drama gradute from UCT. Well that sounds all well when in reality its been a bitch of year, in a nustshell I should have passed last year and this semster but niether of that has happend.
And now I am in a phase....the struggle. Being in the position that I am, it has made me question alot of things on life and has led me to many of my bazzare theories, which I will defened.
My passion is drama, film, Tv, art, fashion, music. My world revolves around these things and as of late I have struggled to make my dreams come true. This blog is my jouney of being a struggling actor, struggling, student, struggling stylist, struggling artist in the 'harsh' realities of South Afirca.